I have always wanted a grand wedding.
Flowers and light.
An event that was pure bliss, nothing more and nothing less.
I have always wanted grand gestures and public affection. A love that was not shy and ashamed.
I have always been a giver; you can be sure I wanted a giver too.
I wanted all of these things, and a list of another million – I got them and lost them.
The greatest of all that I have lost is time.
The time I wasted sinking in undeserving thoughts and rejecting all of the love that was being offered to me. For the years I stayed looking for things that I would not even accept if they were given to me, it was like a treasure hunt. Looking for what you would not use because of the thoughts that you were not good enough.
I stayed longing for things I wasn’t ready for. It was tragic.
I have always known God too. The type of knowing where you walk across the street from someone that is really a stranger but you shout a ‘Hi’ with excitement that has no root. That is how I knew God. That is what it was, surface-level knowledge. I popped in when I was drenched in needs and disappeared when satisfaction was my stench. I don’t know why and I don’t know how but this relationship might have as well been called complacency.
This was me. Screaming from the rooftops that God was good and not really knowing God’s goodness. Testifying of his love, and not accepting his love. Talking of his mercies and not understanding his mercy. I was the opposite of everything I said. No vulnerability.
I don’t know whether to say I found God, or he found me. I like to think he wooed me.
He gave me sixty and six love letters, each one explaining why I am deserving of his love. A bundle of reasons why guilt should be non-existent. He used Paul to show me how significant I was to him no matter what I had done, and David to explain that nothing I had ever done was too much for him to forgive.
He showed me Esther, the kind of confidence that comes with his love, and Hosea the selflessness of his love. Lot to show his goodness and Joseph to show that he was all I needed.
I was convinced that with this love, there was no betrayal. He was honest and he wouldn’t let me down.
Standing here, owning that I am fearfully and wonderfully made- regal in a way that drapes and satin cannot make me. Confident and sure of eternity with my lover. He starts his vows;
Whispering to me, his voice dressed with strength. Each word clear- without confusion;
“You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I have proved my passionate love for you, by dying in your place. I am a safe place of shelter. I’ll never stop believing in the best for you”.
“When you fail to love me back, I will not be defeated. I’ll never give up on you. There is nothing that will separate you from my love, this love will triumph”.
“Our love is perfect and drives away all guilt. Yesterday does not matter, I still love you I want my love to continually nourish your heart.”
“These are my promises”.
With tears in my eyes- not tears of unbelief but of gratitude, that I am known fully and loved just as much, we share a warm embrace.
This wedding beat my wildest imaginations, best believe.